Why I stopped and "smelled the roses"

One day, the harsh words all over Facebook prompted me to get out of the social networking site. The words didn’t have to be directed at me for the abrasiveness to make me go “enough is enough!” They were crass, they were full of contempt. It’s like You want to feel rotten? Log in to Facebook! You’ll get a megadose of anger/condescension/pronouncements on what’s wrong with the world and why everyone is doomed! 

"I'm under the impression that this notion of decency is disappearing from our society where conflicts are made worse on cinema and on television, where people are nasty and cruel on the Internet and where, in general, everybody seems to be very angry," actress Helen Mirren reportedly said. She gets what's happening.

Bad fashion sense, bad English, bad singing, bad taste in aesthetics – complaints about everything surfaced on status messages. The last straw for me at the time was the barrage of below-the-belt remarks ridiculing skin color (guess what shade – it’s definitely not the light one) as well as high-profile people who happened to be born with it.

Self-expression in public had hit an all-time low, and I wasn’t going to stick around to be a willing audience. So I left Facebook.

I didn’t delete my account – I simply deactivated it and stayed away for a month.  What joy! “Detox! Cool!” observed a friend. Yes, that was it – a mental and emotional cleansing from the filth that collective contempt can produce.

This is basically what directed me away from checking out status messages, pictures, news, videos, and endless scrolling that the site tends to make any netizen do. Instead, from the first moment of the day, I devoted my time and attention to real people, real concerns – not images, and not concerns manufactured by news or promotional materials meant to amplify some incident or celebrity, in turn to generate buzz and lead to countless page hits, likes, shares and whatever will send it skyrocketing on the popularity index.

Without the constant digital noise, the early morning minutes I used to spend reading the endless stream of updates had me instead roaming our small garden daily. What little charming flowers we have, I thought, gazing at the hedge right outside our front door as if seeing the lantana blooms for the first time.  They’re little alright, but dozens of the floral beauties spread out across the hedge resulted in an explosion of brilliant colors!

 

“Stop and smell the roses,” we’re often reminded, especially in these times when a really fast pace and the ability to go even faster can make us lose sight of the essentials of a life with meaning. Well, eliminating Facebook from my daily routine was a de-cluttering of sorts, a way to get back to the essentials – the proverbial roses I had come to overlook. No roses found their way into our picturesque hedge, but no matter – pretty soon I realized I was not the only one appreciating the lantana buds that blossomed. If you spend enough time around the stillness of the garden, you’ll see various winged creatures flower-hopping throughout the day. The lantana may not be as fragrant as roses (in fact, they have a peculiar smell) but they sure can draw the butterflies and bees to their lovely petals and keep them coming back throughout the day.


Of course it’s the butterflies, with their fascinating prints and colors, which easily captured my fancy. This was National Geographic up close! Gazing at images of something on a screen and looking at it in the flesh, in all its 3-dimensional wonder, are completely different experiences – even if it’s only the slow wing-flapping of a lacewing perched on a leaf or the flower-hopping of a frolicsome bumblebee.

What I found most reassuring in those sightings of foliage, flora and insects was their predictability. While news of planes crashing and ships colliding was reported, as the world waited with Kate and William for the “royal birth,” while fans and cynics got all emotional over the FIBA games, and as the “pork” situation progressed from bad to worse, the buds bloomed like they were supposed to. The butterflies arrived as scheduled each day and did their job. Through all the good and bad news, other creatures predictably followed their natural course. Even amid unfortunate incidents, life went on -- and beauty was there if one took the time to look around.

One afternoon I noticed one of the black-and-white butterflies, motionless, on a leaf. Its wings were spread open; I took a snapshot. Then I realized parts of its right wing were torn off. Oh no, it's hurt! How will
it fly now? Will it crash in flight? Is it going to die soon?

I was concerned for the little insect. When I left it, it still hadn’t moved.

The next morning it was gone. I hope it’s okay, I thought, wondering if butterflies could grow back damaged wings. Well, what do you know? Hours later, a butterfly that looked just like the injured one – broken wing and all – flitted from one end of the garden and landed on a leaf along the steel fence. Obviously it was not missing any action. Now that’s fighting spirit! I couldn’t help but think how the injured creature displayed more resilience than some people do (myself included) when faced with adversity. This butterfly has nearly half a wing torn off and it flies around as usual as if nothing happened. Talk about rolling with the punches!

In the weeks that followed, I discovered that broken wings weren’t all that unusual among the creatures that flew in and out of our yard.  There was the little tiger moth with a wee part of its left wing damaged. Then there was “Brownie,” another butterfly, whose impeccably edged wings remained awesome despite a missing rounded corner.  And who wouldn’t be astounded by the little beauty that zoomed from one end of the hedge to the other with its remarkably tattered wings? I spied it almost daily; one time it even landed on my outstretched hand.  Whatever tore apart its wings to such a frayed condition apparently did not tear down the insect’s spunk (and curiosity).

This butterfly with the jagged wings now holds my fascination the most. Never mind the asymmetrical form – a delicate creature that insists on being airborne despite its tattered state is all the reminder one needs that tempests are to be faced bravely. Facebook may be full of messages about persistence despite the odds or hardship bringing out the grit in people, but right here before me were more graphic – and prettier— examples of such determination. 

It’s amazing how stopping to “smell the roses” can end up with being shown so much unexpected beauty.  And all I needed was a reason to seek the roses in the first place.

Of mice and men

What a funny way to promote a product -- and to demonstrate grit in the process. Though I'd much rather look at the likes of Mickey and Remy (from Ratatouille) instead of real-looking rodents like the one in the commercial, it's ads like this that I enjoy and find effective.






A couple of years ago, Google also launched an ad campaign, and one of the spots debuted at the Superbowl. You can see two of the ads in a previous post.

Going beyond "nuthin' we can do about it"

When one comes across weird or scandalous news from time to time, there's the danger of getting so accustomed to such things that hardly is any repugnance or even aversion experienced with each story read and each anecdote heard. In other words, what are basically manifestations of perversion might eventually be viewed by many as normal or even commendable. But I have faith in humanity so here I am, sharing links to stories that reflect the direction society is heading. Though truth and goodness prevail most of the time, let's not lose our footing by adopting a mindset along the lines of "That's the way life is, nothin' we can do about it!" when we do hear of unfortunate incidents. No, no. Unless you throw in the towel and allow a defeatist attitude to guide your days, these stories are merely reminders of our mission. What mission, you ask? Well, only you can answer that because each is a unique individual for which the Maker has made a unique game plan. Have you figured out what yours is? After all, as someone once uttered, "What man is a man who does not make the world better?"

Never mind if that intro I just wrote has nothing to do with the stories below, which are fairly recent. I just hope you became aware that we can't simply turn a blind eye to these things happening around us and act as if life is all about living a me-first existence.

Family sues because nursing home won't starve mother to death

Lesbian couple gives adopted son hormone-blockers to make him a girl

Euthanasia out of control: Belgian transsexual euthanized after botched sex change

Who wants to be like Dorian Gray?

It is an intriguing plot, though I have not read the novel. I was reminded of Oscar Wilde's The Picture of Dorian Gray when I read again an article I wrote for Woman Today magazine.

Beauty products and cosmetic procedures are at an all-time high as far as marketing and advertising are concerned. Not only do women (and men, but to a lesser extent) seem unhappy with the way they look, but  the underlying message in many advertising campaigns seems to be one of self-fulfillment, wholeness, and head-turning gorgeous looks as the result of snapping up this product or availing of that procedure.

Regardless of beauty creams, makeup techniques and anatomy-enhancing procedures, here's something worth considering when it comes to the kind of beauty that outlasts the longest warranty for any promise of beauty in a jar, tube, syringe or scalpel.

When forgiveness restores your inner glow
Next time someone remarks on your eyebags or your scowl or on how you seem to have aged, don’t scoot over to the dermatologist just yet. Try a little reflection to see if guilt, anger, and holding on to grudges are wreaking havoc on your looks.

By DIANA UICHANCO

Imagine being sympathetically told “You look tired” when you’re not tired at all, or being asked “Napuyat ka?” when you’re actually starting the day after a full night’s rest (and when what you really want to hear is “pumayat ka?”). When someone chides you with “Bawal nakasimangot dito!” it’s time to face the fact that whatever is bothering you is showing on your face.

Many times such obvious signs of distress are caused by negative situations that remain unresolved. You probably don’t need anyone telling you that since you’ve experienced it many times. But are you aware that one of the most common factors in unresolved matters is the issue of forgiveness? Much has been said about the need to forgive, about how holding on to a grudge hurts the offended party more than it does the offender. “Refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison, and waiting for the other person to die,” goes the saying.

On the other hand, have you ever stopped to consider that refusing to apologize for your mistake can have a similar effect? It could be something seemingly petty like “forgetting” to return the 100 bucks you borrowed from a friend, or something with more serious consequences as inventing grave accusations against a colleague.

Whatever the case, refusing to admit a wrongdoing -- and withholding an apology when it is due -- influences a person’s well-being. Unfortunately, this internal conflict finds its way into your appearance, and the result is not exactly a shining example of fresh, natural beauty. In contrast, dealing squarely with the issue and making amends with the person you offended not only restore your peace of mind but boost your good looks as well.

Reduced internal conflict = more relaxed, looks younger

“With reduced stress and internal conflict, a person will end up looking more relaxed, more alive, younger. And what I've seen is that.. women are more relaxed, the shoulders are less tense, and the anger is gone [after the admission of guilt]. They’re beaming, not appearing stressed anymore, parang may glow, because even only admitting the responsibility to me or to one other person, is a big deal,” says Gabby Dy-Liacco, Ph.D, a psychotherapist who specializes in cases of broken relationships and broken people.

“Otherwise, the shoulders are always hunched, it's like the person is always ready for defense, looks angry. Also, before the admission of guilt, the person is angry, experiences self-pity or sadness. This really affects the person, and it shows on the face,” he adds.

Needless to say, psychological stress has a bearing on the body’s overall health, which in turn manifests itself in the person’s looks. The emotional turmoil which may result from an unresolved argument, for example, can be a source of stress that in turn robs a woman of her peace.

“When a person has difficulty resolving an inner conflict, conflicted siya about being remorseful about something she did pero di niya maayos-ayos, that's a source of psychological stress. That has an effect on the body,” the counselor explains.

The rewards of forgiveness

There’s another saying that goes like this: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” According to Dr. Dy-Liacco, recognizing one’s mistake and asking for forgiveness have the same liberating consequence. What happens is that where the woman is aware that she has done something wrong, she “remains stuck” and always feels somewhat “held back” until she acknowledges the truth and is truly sorry for the misdeed.

“It frees a person,” the psychotherapist says, when asked what admitting a wrongdoing and apologizing to the one who was hurt, does. “A large part of the healing will be on the admission [of guilt] and the asking for forgiveness.”

Doesn’t healing in one form or another translate to being at peace? And doesn’t being at peace and experiencing real joy give a woman that inner glow and quiet confidence? Hence, the next time someone asks you “Napuyat ka?” make sure it’s really because you just didn’t get enough rest and not due to some unresolved conflict that’s nagging at you. If indeed it’s a case of the latter, how about aiming for a little reflection to see if all you need to do is offer someone an apology to put that conflict to rest and restore your beautiful glow?

Don't date a guy hoping you can fix him...

It does happen a lot, doesn't it?

"Don't date a guy hoping you can fix him and change him and rescue him and play the messiah, 'cause in those kinds of relationships, somebody changes and it's usually not the guy. It's usually the girl and it's changing for the worst."

Husband-and-wife team Jason and Crystalina Evert have authored a book titled How to find your soulmate without losing your soul. What's it about? They'll tell you what to expect in this short vid:






People like Jason and Crystalina have come to be considered non-conformist, given the way culture has evolved -- specifically, norms concerning interaction between men and women, relationships, and the way family and marriage have come to be regarded in media-saturated societies in the last couple of decades. And, this delightfully counter-cultural couple has included the Philippines in their tour this year, holding speaking engagements in Manila and Cebu from Sept. 5-7.

Now I know that being immersed in your professional work can get you to a point in which you feel you have no life at all outside of work. What about family? What about friends? What about a real social life? Where are all the good guys? Are my standards too high? Do I need to settle for what's available? Is real love a fairy tale? Decisions, decisions. Dilemmas, dilemmas. Well, head on to Camp Aguinaldo, Quezon City on Sept. 5 (Thursday) at 5:30 pm,  for The Path to Real Love: Better Together and listen to Jason and Crystalina tackle such concerns! It's going to be several hours well spent.

* For tickets and other details, contact 0917-312-5585, 0905-268-8493 or WeAreYup@gmail.com. You can also go to facebook.com/WeAreYup.


* Want to see another video? Jason talks with a small bunch of university students here